A Females cry for help

I’m at a point in my relationship where I just don’t know if I can stay …  I have been with him for a really long time and have put up with so much from him…  I never thought I would be in an abusive relationship yet alone stay in one …  I’m just so torn … things go real good for awhile then something ( i have no idea what either ticks him off and he gets abusive … He always says it my mouth and that I never know when to keep my mouth shut or when to be quiet … Last I checked when you loved  someone you took the good with the bad .. He’s far from perfect himself especially since he hits woman …. In my opinion any man that hits a woman is a coward…Its so scary for me to replay the thought of a 5’10” male about 28 lbs standing over you getting ready to pound on you or to pull my hair from behind trying to slam me on my bad back (which u know I have ) ..  to have marks left on your body and having to explain where they came from ( starting to run out of excuses) ..  or to be held down as he’s trying to choke the life out of you ….  it all just so scary just the thought has me in tears…  ( I’m crying as I’m typing this )  I so want to leave, just kinda feel afraid however stupid that may sound ..

reading this one might think that I’m dumb but I’m actually pretty smart and I can actually take care of myself  ( i work and make decent money)… I just feel like I make stupid decisions when it comes to men & relationships  …  I no longer have friends that arent friends with him also ( so it kinda feels like entrapment cause theres no where to go to vent or to look for possible help without the fear of it getting back to him) I know personally my family is there for me I just feel like a failure and embarrassed to constantly go to them for support or help then keep going back to him ( horrible cycle I can’t break )  He takes my money for things he wants ( which I give him to try and make him happy ) yet he makes me feel guilty when I spend my money on something for myself…  It’s my money shouldn’t I be entitled to get thing too without feeling bad about it ???

I mean I guess since we been together for so long I feel obligated to stay with him.. I know its not the sex cause he’s not that good at it that anyways ( especially when it comes to pleasing me ) but I really dont care cause I dont judge my relationship on things like sex or the fact that he really has nothing to contribute to the relationship besides heart ache for me …  But still all that aside I still feel like I want to be with him and another part of me want to run and eventually find a REAL man that will treat me the way I need to be treated and how I deserve to be treated …when your relationship is like mine is it unfair if I want to cheat on him??? I feel like I could easily cheat on him and have no remorse because of all the bull he’s put me through…  But if I did I feel like God would never forgive me for adultery it’s like a lose lose situation..  I try so hard yet it’s like I’m all alone in this relationship…

I think it all boils down to the fact that i’m afraid if I left he would hurt himself, myself , or someone close to me… or maybe even all of us …  I ask myself day in and day out how in the Hell (where i think he came from) did I fall for him ..  As I get older I’m really starting to question my self esteem seeing as though a thing as simple as pack it in and move has me torn …  But can my self esteem really be the issue I feel like I love myself I think I’m very pretty and very confident all aspects of my life except for HIM …  It’s like the anchor that I cant get to leave the ship and it’s just dragging me down deeper and deeper … Maybe I finally found a safe way for myself to say what I can express myself and not get hit for it.. or even get made to feel like I’m useless just because I’m speaking or have an opinion… On a female note domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes and can be male on female… female on male.. male on male .. or female on female…  point being just cause things look alright on the outside doesn’t always mean things are OK on the inside… So please if you know someone who is fighting the Domestic Violence fight lend a shoulder to cry and an ear to talk ( listen to there crys ) Please don’t judge us…  we may be crying out for help and just can’t figure out what other way to do it

this song basically sums it up for me …

It gives me that little glimpse of hope when it gets tough ..

hope you enjoy the song I do …

here are the lyrics to this song ( RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS ) – FACEDOWN


Hey girl, you know, you drive me crazy…. One look puts the rhythm in my hand

Still I’ll never understand why you hang around…. I see what’s goin’ down

Cover up with make up in the mirror… tell yourself it’s never gonna happen again  

You cry alone and then he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?  Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to end

As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect…Every action in this world will bear a consequence…..If you wade around forever you will surely drownI see what’s going down
I see the way you go and say you’re right again  Say you’re right again, heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?   Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to endAs your lies crumble down, a new life she has found
Face down in the dirt she said, “This doesn’t hurt”  

She said, “I finally had enough”Face down in the dirt she said, “This doesn’t hurt”She said, “I finally had enough”

One day she will tell you that she has had enough  It’s coming round again

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?   Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to endAs your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?   Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to endAs your lies crumble down, a new life she has found
Face down in the dirt she says, “This doesn’t hurt”She says, “I finally had enough”





3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. meinventing
    Sep 17, 2012 @ 14:07:52

    Thank you for sharing. I recently divorced a man who abused me and cheated on me for 22 years. Your feelings are valid and real. I understand the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling. I felt the exact same way. I also would not turn to my family and was isolated from friends out of shame, pride, and mostly fear. I felt so alone. I made good money and he spent it. It is a control thing with them. Your family is waiting for you and want you to leave him. It is scary but well worth it. My daughter and I lived in my sister’s basement during our divorce. Money was very important to him. So I let him have everything. It has been 2 years since my divorce. I can’t get over how peaceful my life is. It was worth leaving him. I have found a sweet man who is tender and kind to me. I look back on the years with my ex-husband as a bad dream where I was hypnotized. Please find help and get out of that relationship. You are not alone and you are worth so much more then how he has treated you.


    • themanyshadesofme
      Sep 17, 2012 @ 19:40:20

      thank you so much I’m actually relieved to see that I’m not alone in this area but am equally Sorry for all that you had to go thru as well ( hoping when I’m ready that i had half the strength you did) I bet your daughter is proud to have such a strong role model in her life.. I was actually a little scared to post my true feelings in this post (thinking somehow he would know its me) .. when I wrote this post it was a way for me to vent but I’m glad i did thank you so much for the feedback..
      glad to see our situation is improved …


  2. meinventing
    Sep 18, 2012 @ 14:33:01

    Oh.. I lived in fear for so many years my heart aches for anyone who has to live that way. My family wanted me to leave him before I ever even married him. I separated from him when my oldest daughter was a baby & then I was manipulated in going back to him. My dad told me to write down my feelings. That is excellent therapy. (He was an child abuse survivor). Please know you are NOT alone. I can’t get over how many family and friends were just waiting for me to leave him. So many thought he was going to kill me. I am not that strong. My oldest daughter called my brother to come over the last night I lived under the same room as my exhusband. My brother told me he could not come and get me again. It would be too dangerous. I was bawling and frighten for my daughters and our future. I went from living in a big house to sharing a room in my sister’s basement with my daughter. The overwhelming peace and serenity I enjoyed outweighed living with him. Please know you are an amazing person. You deserved to be loved. & not the roller coaster, cruel kind that reels you back in either by fear, guilt, or manipulation. My heart is with you! Please feel free to contact me at anytime.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: