I may finally be done

It may finally be the time that I move on from my relationship… For many years my relationship was a little bit physically abusive and a tad controlling… but since i loved him unconditionally I have learned to just always defend him, look the other way and just stay in the relationship eventually I even married him ( I still wonder what i was thinking with that one) .. with sticking around all those years even though I wanted to walk away has made me start to feel like i have lost out on so many opportunities with life and possibly even with another partner… Just when i started to feel like there was no hope and im doomed in my marriage things started to get better and the relationship looked like it had potential and that maybe he learned from his mistakes and was trying to change… so I was so happy that i had decided to stick with my marriage… Even though things were better there were still those moments were I was getting mentally abused not to mention that i have finally given into his dictatorship and now just do what ever he says and find myself running everything past him just to avoid issues or problems …  

Now present day and things are so so ..there are days i feel he loves me and others when i feel like he can care less … But why I think im finally done is the other day we were walking our dogs as we do every day since we go them we have 2 so we both walk a dog.. well today for some reason i lost my footing and fell down while walking the dog ( first he didnt offer to help me up ) ok i get up then hes rushing me to hurry up and keep up with him and not to blame the dog for being slow .. then hes speaking to me as if hes mocking me for falling … this really aggravated me his lack of consideration towards me and my feeling had it been me i would have asked how he was and even offered to walk the other dog as well so he could rest his ankle …  

Im kinda against divorce for a reasons first because im catholic and have gotten married in a church and just was always made to feel like god will help u work out ur problems . second my parents are still happily married 30+ yrs (eventhough they understand my situation and support me 100% in whatever decision i choose to make)  … third he says I made him get married in the first place ( eventhough I never put a gun to his head i just suggested it after 10 years of being together.. been together since high school) and that its not fair for me to make him now get divorced …  fourth and this one maybe the worst one for me to deal with if we get divorced he wants to fight me for sole custody of my dog…  not even share time as i suggested ( no kids in case u were wondering ) i planned to have a simply easy divorce.. No fighting no problems just the two of us go our seperate ways since none of us really have anything anyways to fight about …. and we have only been married for 5 years….So now im stuck with the decision on wether or not i want to sacrifice the man i love ( MY DOG) to be happier in life and start over .. or stick out what i feel is doomed marriage to keep my baby my doggy .. then to add insult to injury I think i may have found a guy that really gets me and likes me I’m just afraid to move things forward because i dont want to cheat and automatically destroy my marriage and my chance to leave with my dog ( yes he is spitful ) but I am so unsatisfied with my marriage right now .. this guy has been a friend of the both of ours for sometime now so he knows im married but also does understand my circumstances…we have always been closer then he was with my hubby.. we share phone conversations , text messages and the occasional lunch .. believe it or not those are the tiny little things that he does that makes me like him he had moved away so I thought that might be the end of it but then after a few years he moved back we hooked back up and the feelings are still there just as strong as when he left (so is it true when they say if u love something let it go and if it comes back to u its yours if it doesnt it was never meant to be yours to begin with)




 so confused what to do nowadays but #IMJERSEYSTRONG I will figure it out and rise above ……….


when u left for awhile i thought it was for good , 

when you came back it was like u never left 

my feelings for you had not gone away 

its like i found my own Christian Grey 






Really starting to question waht is going on with this world.. Just happy to say I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.. where we dont blame others for other peoples stupidity… protest the US for having freedom .. blame us for something someone put on Youtube .. very sad something needs to be done before WW3 happens…

This Just In

Editor’s note: Several protests stemming at least in part from an anti-Islam film produced in the United States are unfolding outside U.S. embassies around the world. Friday’s protests follow ones Tuesday at the U.S. Embassy in Cairo and the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, where attacks killed the U.S. ambassador to Libya and three other Americans.

In Tunisia, protesters have scaled a U.S. Embassy gate and set fire to cars on the property, a journalist there says. In Egypt, the influential Muslim Brotherhood canceled nationwide protests planned for Friday, but a running battle between police and protesters in Cairo continued into its fourth day.

Follow the live blog below for all of the developments around the world.

[Updated at 3:04 p.m. ET] A ceremony at Maryland’s Joint Base Andrews for the returned bodies of the four Americans killed at the Benghazi consulate has ended, and the caskets are being carried…

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A Females cry for help

I’m at a point in my relationship where I just don’t know if I can stay …  I have been with him for a really long time and have put up with so much from him…  I never thought I would be in an abusive relationship yet alone stay in one …  I’m just so torn … things go real good for awhile then something ( i have no idea what either ticks him off and he gets abusive … He always says it my mouth and that I never know when to keep my mouth shut or when to be quiet … Last I checked when you loved  someone you took the good with the bad .. He’s far from perfect himself especially since he hits woman …. In my opinion any man that hits a woman is a coward…Its so scary for me to replay the thought of a 5’10” male about 28 lbs standing over you getting ready to pound on you or to pull my hair from behind trying to slam me on my bad back (which u know I have ) ..  to have marks left on your body and having to explain where they came from ( starting to run out of excuses) ..  or to be held down as he’s trying to choke the life out of you ….  it all just so scary just the thought has me in tears…  ( I’m crying as I’m typing this )  I so want to leave, just kinda feel afraid however stupid that may sound ..

reading this one might think that I’m dumb but I’m actually pretty smart and I can actually take care of myself  ( i work and make decent money)… I just feel like I make stupid decisions when it comes to men & relationships  …  I no longer have friends that arent friends with him also ( so it kinda feels like entrapment cause theres no where to go to vent or to look for possible help without the fear of it getting back to him) I know personally my family is there for me I just feel like a failure and embarrassed to constantly go to them for support or help then keep going back to him ( horrible cycle I can’t break )  He takes my money for things he wants ( which I give him to try and make him happy ) yet he makes me feel guilty when I spend my money on something for myself…  It’s my money shouldn’t I be entitled to get thing too without feeling bad about it ???

I mean I guess since we been together for so long I feel obligated to stay with him.. I know its not the sex cause he’s not that good at it that anyways ( especially when it comes to pleasing me ) but I really dont care cause I dont judge my relationship on things like sex or the fact that he really has nothing to contribute to the relationship besides heart ache for me …  But still all that aside I still feel like I want to be with him and another part of me want to run and eventually find a REAL man that will treat me the way I need to be treated and how I deserve to be treated …when your relationship is like mine is it unfair if I want to cheat on him??? I feel like I could easily cheat on him and have no remorse because of all the bull he’s put me through…  But if I did I feel like God would never forgive me for adultery it’s like a lose lose situation..  I try so hard yet it’s like I’m all alone in this relationship…

I think it all boils down to the fact that i’m afraid if I left he would hurt himself, myself , or someone close to me… or maybe even all of us …  I ask myself day in and day out how in the Hell (where i think he came from) did I fall for him ..  As I get older I’m really starting to question my self esteem seeing as though a thing as simple as pack it in and move has me torn …  But can my self esteem really be the issue I feel like I love myself I think I’m very pretty and very confident all aspects of my life except for HIM …  It’s like the anchor that I cant get to leave the ship and it’s just dragging me down deeper and deeper … Maybe I finally found a safe way for myself to say what I can express myself and not get hit for it.. or even get made to feel like I’m useless just because I’m speaking or have an opinion… On a female note domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes and can be male on female… female on male.. male on male .. or female on female…  point being just cause things look alright on the outside doesn’t always mean things are OK on the inside… So please if you know someone who is fighting the Domestic Violence fight lend a shoulder to cry and an ear to talk ( listen to there crys ) Please don’t judge us…  we may be crying out for help and just can’t figure out what other way to do it

this song basically sums it up for me …

It gives me that little glimpse of hope when it gets tough ..

hope you enjoy the song I do …

here are the lyrics to this song ( RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS ) – FACEDOWN


Hey girl, you know, you drive me crazy…. One look puts the rhythm in my hand

Still I’ll never understand why you hang around…. I see what’s goin’ down

Cover up with make up in the mirror… tell yourself it’s never gonna happen again  

You cry alone and then he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?  Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to end

As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect…Every action in this world will bear a consequence…..If you wade around forever you will surely drownI see what’s going down
I see the way you go and say you’re right again  Say you’re right again, heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?   Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to endAs your lies crumble down, a new life she has found
Face down in the dirt she said, “This doesn’t hurt”  

She said, “I finally had enough”Face down in the dirt she said, “This doesn’t hurt”She said, “I finally had enough”

One day she will tell you that she has had enough  It’s coming round again

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?   Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to endAs your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?   Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to endAs your lies crumble down, a new life she has found
Face down in the dirt she says, “This doesn’t hurt”She says, “I finally had enough”





Its just getting so hard nowadays to pay bills and have any money ..I’m barely living pay check to pay check as it is.. and one after another bill after bill so my first question is to the men …Can you date a porn star and if so can you take her serious or does her job play a role in your feelings for her  ??? My second question is I’m a little bit heavy not obese but a little extra cushion, can I realistically do porn and make money or is it for all those skinny blondes… I love to have sex as it is so ,,, why not try to get paid to do it … It may just be time to get myself into the porn business ( could be the best job i would ever have ).. I hear of alot of woman getting paid, come on now let’s be real who wouldn’t love to get paid to have sex…. I’m a bit of a freak as it is so I’m pretty sure the profession would be great for me and I’m sure i could really make money from it ( especially because im open to try things ) …Porn has to be a recession proof company as well … If anyone reading this knows how I can get into the business or have more information on this subject please contact me .. thanks for the feedback …. Maybe soon u will c me starting in a porn … (FINGERS CROSSED) 

It’s that time of year again … YAY…

So the big day is almost here …  Tomorrow starts the  2012 NFL season and my COWBOYS kick off the season against the Giants… its a huge game for them being the Ny Giants are the defending Super Bowl Champs and a division rival ….I would really love to see the Boys win this game.. it could be the start to a bright season.. it would also shut up the Big mouthed cocky Giant fans that have nothing better to so than hate on the Cowboys …As a Cowboys fan its always so funny to hear how much ppl hate the Dallas Cowboys(i.e. Giant fans ) but yet can never stop talking bout them. ( Cowboys this Cowboys that ) … I dont know about u but when I despise something I try to stay far away as possible from it not bring it around me … HUMM   Maybe that’s just a Giants fan way of  really saying that there an undercover COWBOYS fans and own a Romo jersey LOL j/k  we dont want Giant fans in the COWBOYS NATION… but on the real I lovefootball and the Dallas Cowboys …  Lets Go Cowboys beat those Giants….  show them that this is our year  ..









For the longest now i have been fantasizing about wearing a strapon and using it on a mans A**  or even just being able to Dildo him  .. Is this normal for a woman to want to do this to a  man …. Im a little embarrassed to bring it up to my male friends or even the man that I’m with to see where they stand on the matter  .. I hear alot that it’s a great orgasmic feeling for a man to have his prostate stimulate ( which in case u didn’t know is accessible thru the mans rectum right under the bladder- picture below exhibit A)… they say the man’s prostate is his “P” spot if so then why do men not want to feel this.. come on men take charge and start to embrace a little anal play for yourself …  cause I know from a females perspective having the big “O” is a wonderful feeling ( yes please ) … Actually just writing about strapping on and having at it on a man’s behind is getting me all wet (biting upper lip ) .. If I do get to do it a brave man I want to dress up as a horny sexii nurse or a female dominatrix .. would defiantly let the man decide which he preferred ….   I know probably in today’s world one must think that I got this idea from reading the “50 Shades’ book.. but no i have yet to read it so I’m not even sure that male anal play or prostate massaging is referenced at all in the book… if it is I may just actually go and read it to see how warped my mind really is .. heck I’ll even settle for a finger to start but on a final note please please please men embrace your inner manhood and let a female have some fun today u may even like it


example of a possible toy I would love to try on a very special man… ( WINK WINK ANY TAKERS )


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